Xi Yang and Jin Long
Xi Yang was a grouchy and demanding child, even before she could talk. That’s what her parents told her, at least: the diviner said she was likely a lion in a past life, or perhaps a badger, and the stubbornness had held over. Xi Yang thought that was a bunch of horseshit. Xi Yang had long, thick, straight black hair and black eyes, a small nose, and small, hard fists she liked to punch people when they got on her nerves. When Xi Yang was eight, she learned she was beautiful, when boys in her neighborhood started teasing her and pulling her hair, and older men started looking at her appreciatively as though imagining how she’d look when she was older. When she was nine, Xi Yang learned that if she hit people hard enough, they stopped looking at her like that and got mad at her, which was pretty fucking effective, so she started doing that a lot. Her mother whipped her feet with a bamboo switch to make her stop. “No suitors will ever like you,” her mother often snapped at her. “How are we supposed to find you a good man when you’re older?” “Good,” Xi Yang retorted. “I don’t want a man.” Xi Yang had never particularly liked men. She didn’t see what the big deal about them was. She never swooned over them like her sisters or cousins did, never giggled behind her hand at them. Her best friend down the street, Li Na, was an amazing girl-- she was perfect and clever and beautiful-- and even Li Na giggled over passing government officials. Xi Yang rolled her eyes. Xi Yang didn’t understand why romantic relationships were even necessary. If she had a choice, she’d rather just spend her time with Li Na. One day, shortly after she turned fifteen, her mother dragged her away from Li Na and took her back home. “You have a suitor,” her mother snapped, brushing the dirt off Xi Yang’s clothes. Xi Yang scoffed, but stepped into the greeting room. A man sat at the table on the floor, legs delicately folded. He was an extremely plain man, unlike her previous suitors, the kind of guy your eyes passed right over in the crowd. He had a crooked nose, like someone had broken it, but he also had clever black eyes, the same shade as Xi Yang’s. Xi Yang’s eyes narrowed. “You dress like a merchant,” she said gruffly. “And you dress like you bought your clothes at the discount stores with the lights off and no mirror,” the man said. “Jin Long. Nice to meet you.” “What do you want? You’re no suitor.” “What? Sure I am.” Xi Yang scoffed. He wasn’t staring at her in the romantic way other men did. In fact, he seemed totally disinterested in her. “Why me?” she said. She thought she’d scared all the men off already. Legends told of Xi Yang, the man-slayer who kicked fat ugly Wang Fei Wong right in the crotch for grabbing her chest. Jin Long spread his hands. “Why not you? Listen, I’ll make this quick, little cherry blossom. I’m a merchant. I run a ship from Shou Leng to Koryo. I need a wife-- or so my darling mother says. How ‘bout you?” “What a pitch. Why should I?” “Y’know your family is gonna keep bringing you men until you stop kicking them in the crotch and take one,” Jin Long said. “I did that once.” “I know, right?” Jin Long said. “Fucking nonsense. You kick one idiot and the dick and it’s all people talk about. Anyhow. Xi Yang, baby, listen.” He scooted closer to her. “I’ve heard things about you. About how you don’t like men. And you and me, I think we’re gonna get along just fine. Why, my family will be amazed I bagged such a lovely girl. They won’t know how I did it.” Xi Yang didn’t look at him. “Why do you want me?” There had to be a reason. She had a suitor, once, who leered at her and said, I like a girl with some fight in her. It made Xi Yang feel like bugs were crawling down her spine. Jin Long crooked a finger at her. “Wanna know a secret?” Xi Yang narrowed her eyes and scowled at him. Jin Long leaned in. “I don’t have a dick,” Jin Long said in a stage whisper. “I was involved in a tragic accident last year. I was stranded on a deserted island with only my wits and the clothes on my back, and I got into a fight with a ravenous dragon turtle, and-- well, it’s a long story. Too gory for delicate young ladies like you. Anyhow, point is, I can’t please a woman. Can’t have children, either. And, see, for most women this would be a deal-breaker, but you-- you don’t seem to like men much in the first place, eh, right? Xi Yang, I’ve heard you’re tough. You’ve got strong shoulders. Come with me. Work on my ship. Take care of the ledgers. Shout at my men for me. Pretend to like me in front of my damned harpy of a mother.” “You are so fucking full of shit.” Jin Long stood up to go. “Wait,” Xi Yang called after him as he reached the door. Jin Long made an exaggerated show of stopping and turning his head, eyebrows raised. “Wait. That, um… that actually sounds… good. Do you really want to marry me? Are you sure?” “Of course,” Jin Long said. Xi Yang bit her lip. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll marry you.” She rushed to tell her mother. -- Her mother rushed the wedding. Trying to get it done, no doubt, before Xi Yang changed her mind and made things an issue again. And the instant Xi Yang was married, her mother rushed her out the door. Jin Long was lying about not having a dick. She saw it, once, through his underclothes while he was changing, and he winked at her when he caught her looking. He was telling the truth, however, about having a ship. Jin Long stared at that ship the way most men stared at women: admiring the curves, running his hand along the railing, dreamily talking about getting new sails and replacing the rigging with higher quality rope. Jin Long flirted with her a lot, but made no move on her, none at all. He was twenty-two, the age when men were ravenous leches-- or so her mother said-- but he seemed completely disinterested in her. There were rumors that Jin Long liked men, but Xi Yang couldn’t decide if it was true or not. His family did ''seemed very surprised when he brought Xi Yang home. Whenever people joked about Jin Long preferring men, he laughed like it was a huge joke and played along. He joked Xi Yang was the man in their relationship and made crude jokes about her fucking him from behind-- whatever that meant. He’d pretend to hit on the men, who’d pretend to hit on him back. Xi Yang couldn’t tell if he genuinely thought it was funny or if he was just the best fucking actor she’d ever met. Xi Yang never saw him with a man. And he tensed when men touched him, but he tensed that way when women touched him, too. He never slept with her. Not once in four years. Huh, she kept thinking. Huh. -- When Xi Yang was nineteen, she decided to sleep with a man just to see what it felt like. Li Na still wrote her letters, sometimes. She kept gushing about her new husband, a handsome government man who came and swept her off her feet; and for reasons she couldn’t figure out, Xi Yang always felt angry and unhappy when she read about Li Na’s husband and happy marriage. She supposed she was jealous, or something. Maybe she was secretly craving a handsome government husband as well. Except… that didn’t quite make sense. Xi Yang never liked men much, but… she always thought that if she ''did ''like men, she would like Jin Long. Still. She wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with a man. Why other women were so excited about it. So one night, while the ship was in port, she snuck off the ship. She found a man good enough and bought a room for the night. It wasn’t nearly as good as she’d hoped. She came out of the experience scowling. -- When Xi Yang was nineteen and three months, she started to get seasick a lot, and her clothes wouldn’t fit her anymore. Then one morning she smelled the cook frying bacon-- her favorite-- and bolted outside to puke over the railing. What was wrong with her? she wondered, bewildered. She hadn’t been this sick since she’d first come aboard years ago. A delicate hand rested in her shoulder. “Xi Yang, are you alright?” Jin Long said, amused. “Are you seasick? Is that a thing that still happens to you? That’s fucking adorable.” Xi Yang wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, then wiped it on Xi Yang’s shirt. He scowled at her. “Dunno,” Xi Yang said. “Must be bad food. You need a better cook.” “Oh? Is my ship’s food too strong for your delicate stomach, blossom?” “The old cook was fine. Hire better staff, skinflint.” “Hey,” Jin Long said. “I’m not fucking cheap. Besides, clearly you like the food. You’re getting fat.” He prodded her stomach, which had gotten soft and big. Xi Yang realized the exact same moment Jin Long did. He froze, staring wide-eyed at her stomach, then looked up at her. Xi Yang grabbed the railing to steady herself. Pregnant. She was pregnant. Xi Yang sank down on the deck, shaking with terror. She and Jin Long had never consummated their marriage. He never fucked her, not even once, despite all the flirting. She stared up at him, wide-eyed. Jin Long opened his mouth and closed it several times, then finally left it closed. One of the swabbies called over, concerned. “Miss Xi Yang? Are you alright?” “She’s fine,” Jin Long called. “Just hungover. My lovely wife, eh?” The swabby laughed and went back to his duties. Jin Long grabbed her arm, helped her up, and hustled her to the captain’s quarters. Xi Yang vomited into the wastebasket as soon as they were alone. “You’re pregnant,” Jin Long breathed. “How? Oh, god, no, nevermind, don’t describe how. Did you--? Do you have a ''boyfriend? Please, god, tell me you’re not fucking anyone on the crew.” “No! I just,” Xi Yang said, “When we were in port a few months ago, I-- I wanted to know what… what having sex felt like. And I knew you wouldn’t…” She fumbled her way through explanations, then stopped. They’d never talked about the fact they weren’t having sex. Xi Yang had never pursued it, not even once, and Jin Long seemed to have zero interest in her, but she’d never asked why and he’d never told her, not in any of the years they’d been married. “Okay,” Jin Long said. “Okay. So.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay. We don’t need to panic. It’s fine. We’re married. We’re having a baby. Of course we’ve having a baby. That’s, um, what married couples do. Right?” He looked at her desperately, like she fucking knew. Xi Yang swallowed. “You’re not angry?” “What? No.” “You’re not going to… tell anyone the truth?” “Why the fuck would I tell anyone the truth?” Jin Long said. Xi Yang collapsed onto the bed. She put her head in her hands. She started to laugh from relief; she couldn’t help herself. Of course this was how Jin Long reacted. When had he told anyone the truth about anything, ever? Jin Long watched her. He had that look in his eyes again-- that calculating look he gave merchants and business partners, like he was trying to read their mind. Jin Long was so fucking smart. “If anyone found out, it’d be an automatic divorce,” Jin Long said. “Neither of our families would allow us to stay married, and your family would probably throw you out. Adulterer.” “I know. It was stupid.” “No,” Jin Long. “It’s fine. That’s not what I… listen. I was just wondering-- is that what you wanted? Do you-- want ''to get divorced?” “What? No!” She rubbed her face. “I… I like it here. I like-- working on your ship. I like--” She stopped there. She liked being married to Jin Long. It was convenient. He only wanted her to keep the ledgers and yell at his men, and he took care of the business side of things. Sometimes he even took her on meetings with his business partners. He treated her like his partner, and she liked that, and she liked living on the ship. “No,” Xi Yang said. “Please don’t send me away.” Jin Long was quiet for a while. Then he came to sit on the bed next to her. “Well, obviously,” he said. “If I got rid of you, who would shriek at Wang Fei Wong for me when his prices are too high?” He cupped her face. “Xi Yang. The baby is mine. Why wouldn’t it be?” Xi Yang sniffled. “You told everyone a sea turtle bit your dick off.” “I’ll inform them I lied.” “You also told people it got burned off in a fire because you ran into a burning orphanage and saved five babies.” “I’ve recovered marvelously. I found a druid who could regenerate body parts.” “Yeah. You said you found a druid. You told that story, too. And then you said the goddess of fertility offered to sleep with you, and when you turned her down, she cursed you to never have children.” “Well,” Jin Long said. “Apparently the curse wore off. The power of true love. Listen. I have an infinite amount of bullshit. I’ll come up with something. Nobody believed me in the first place, anyway.” He clasped her hand. “Why do you tell people you’re a eunuch?” Xi Yang said bluntly. Jin Long let go of her hand. There was a long, awkward silence. “Ah,” Jin Long said. It was clear she’d caught him off-guard and he didn’t have time to lie. Xi Yang averted his eyes. “It’s okay. If you… like men. I won’t tell anyone.” She couldn’t tell if Jin Long was looking at her, because she wasn’t looking at him. “I, um,” Jin Long finally said. He stopped. “I. Uh. Used to… wonder that, too.” Another long pause. “I don’t think I’m… interested… in sex. At least not, um, the way… other people… are.” He averted his eyes. “I suspect one of my ancestors was an angel, which reproduce asexually, so--” He broke off in the middle of his lie, and they just sat there a moment, staring at each other. “It’s okay,” Xi Yang said. She knew the look on his face. She’d seen it on the faces of a lot of men-- but this was the first time she’d seen it on Jin Long. Jin Long was scared. He was scared she might tell people the baby wasn’t his. Scared she might leave him. And for once, Xi Yang didn’t… '''want '''to scare anyone. She’d kill anyone who looked at him wrong. They were partners. She took his hand. “It’s okay,” she said. Millimeter by millimeter, he relaxed. He pulled her into his arms, and they stayed like that a long time. Xi Yang cried on his shoulder for a while. And Jin Long explained, patiently, bit by bit, how if anyone suggested the child wasn’t his, he’d cut out their tongue, and people would get the picture really fucking quick. And even though Jin Long said a lot of fucking bullshit, this time, she believed him. -- Jin Long got a lot more honest with her after that. Sometimes, when they were alone and he was drunk, she’d ask him questions. “Have you ever slept with a man?” she said doubtfully as she tucked him into bed one night. “Mm,” Jin Long said. “No.” He sighed against her neck. His breath smelled like rice wine. “I tried sleeping with a girl, once. Didn’t, um. Work.” “Oh.” Xi Yang puzzled over this a while. She rested her hand on her fat belly, wishing she could get drunk along with him. The clerics said getting drunk would hurt the baby, so she hadn’t had anything to drink in months. “Jin Long?” “Mm?” “If I could love a man, I’d love you,” Xi Yang said. Jin Long sighed again. “Xi Yang?” he said after a while. “Yes, you lush?” “I think you’re gay,” Jin Long said affectionately. “You’re just… you’re so fucking gay.” Xi Yang’s face felt warm. She twisted it away so he didn’t see. “What do you mean?” “You,” Jin Long said, “And a woman-- the same way I, supposedly, with men--” “That’s an ''option?” Jin Long shrugged. “Oh,” Xi Yang said. She didn’t say anything else, just simmering. She pulled her legs up on the bed and rested her face on Jin Long’s strong back. She liked having secrets with Jin Long. He never questioned her or berated her; he accepted her precisely as she was. When she was Jin Long, she did not have to fight anyone or protect herself. In fact, he’d fight them for her. When people called her shrill or mannish, Jin Long would mock them until they slunk away, embarrassed. She could just… be. She drew designs on his back. “If you ever found a man you loved, would you leave me?” she said. She tried to keep the hurt out of her voice. If Jin Long only loved men, it was not fair of her to be hurt or angry. “No,” Jin Long said. He twisted around to blink at her. “No. Xi Yang. Why would I?” She didn’t say anything. She just buried her face in his back. “Xi Yang,” Jin Long murmured. “I love you. I love you, Xi Yang.” Then he said, “I mean, god, I have zero interest in seeing you naked. It’d be like fucking my own sister.” “You have a sister?” “That’s not the point.” He rolled over to brush the hair out of her face. “I don’t know if I want a man,” he said. “I haven’t come across the right one, yet. And it’s okay. It’s not important. I’ll find him when I find him.” He hummed to himself, half-asleep. “It’d have to be someone special. Someone who had my back as much as you do… eh, what d’you know, maybe we’ll find a girl for you, too. Then… we’ll all go together. I’d never leave you, my love. We’ll all be family together.” Xi Yang nodded. That made sense. She clung to that promise for years. Jin Long did not lie to her. Not anymore. -- Xi Yang was twenty-eight when Jin Long died during a pirate attack. Skewered through the stomach. He died bleeding out, on the deck, while she screamed for a healer and didn’t get one. “Jin,” she said, blinking back tears. “Jin, Jin. No. Who will steer the ship? Who will braid Jun Li’s hair and sing her songs?” “You will,” Jin Long said. And he touched her face fondly, taking one last look at it. “Xi Yang, I…” “What? What? Fucking spit it out.” “I really hate pirates,” Jin Long said faintly. That was all he said. There was no more. Xi Yang curled over his corpse and howled, and howled, and howled, until her crew finished fighting off the pirates. By then Jin Long’s corpse had grown cold, despite her efforts to keep it warm. The Shou Leng Imperial Navy would not let her join. So instead, Xi Yang hunted pirates on her own— and stole their cargo to sell and make a profit and feed her crew. She commanded one ship, and then two, and then five, and soon enough Xi Yang was known as the Xi Yang the Pirate-Hunter Pirate. She wished Jin Long were here to see it. She could imagine him standing on deck, leaning against the rail, wolf-whistling at her as she trained recruits. When they captured enemy pirates, he would’ve mocked them, sympathized with them, and beaten them down until they agreed to join her crew. He would’ve made up stories about how great she was. But mostly, she tried not to think about him. It hurt too much. NEXT] Category:Vignettes